Tales of Quarantine Day #24

I am in the doldrums today. I love that word…doldrums. I like that it is nautical — the image of limp sails flapping against the mast of a ship as it sits in the water, going nowhere. The wind is not at our back, pushing us along, and there is no obvious tack to take to get ourselves moving again.

I am angry. I am angry at a little invisible virus that has figured out how to outsmart us. I am angry that there is no justice or silver lining in the suffering and death surrounding us. I am angry that people are being selfish by ignoring the call to keep others safe. I am angry that there was no plan for this. I am angry that people who are trying to save lives are having to risk their own. I am angry that there are so few answers to so many questions. I am angry at the ineptitude of the administration and the awful, awful person at the head of it all. I am angry that he lies to us and then lies again to hide his lies and then lies about the lies he lied to hide the lies. Sometimes, there is value in anger, it can be a great motivator. I understand that there are things I can do. I can vote. I can help. I can volunteer.

I will do those things tomorrow. Today, I am seething.

I am sad. I am sad that all my plans have had to be thrown away. I am sad that everyone else’s plans have been thrown away. I am sad that we can’t even make any plans because everything is on hold. I am sad because I can’t make promises to my children and be sure that I can keep them. I am sad because I can’t tell them everything will be alright and know that I am telling the truth. I am sad that all around us people are suffering. I am sad that all around us people are dying. I know that there are ways to find joy in the little things. I can count my blessings. I can be grateful for what I have.

I will do those things tomorrow. Today, I am bereft.

I am afraid. I am afraid that things will be worse than even we have already imagined. I am afraid that my friends will die. I am afraid that my family members will die. I am afraid that my heroes will die. I am afraid that we will enter a great depression. I am afraid that we will go broke. I am afraid that our democracy will fail. I am afraid that bad people will take advantage of this situation and make our world worse. I know that worrying about things that haven’t happened yet is not productive. I know that I need to concentrate on what I can control and let go of the things that I can’t.

I will do those things tomorrow. Today, I am terrified.

I am tired. I am tired of bad news. I am tired of being cooped up. I am tired of the slow recovery from being sick. I am tired of homeschooling. I am tired of my messy house. I am tired of my children and my husband. I am tired of myself. I know that taking time out to rest and grieve and recharge will get me moving again. I know that a good night’s sleep can change one’s outlook.

I will not be so tired tomorrow. Today, I am exhausted.

· This post first appeared as part of a series and can be found on my blog The Glass Bell at https://rebeccafullerdotblog.wordpress.com/

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Writer, Nurse Practitioner, Mother, Wife, Actor — Blog Site: The Glass Bell https://rebeccafullerdotblog.wordpress.com/

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Rebecca Baldwin Fuller

Rebecca Baldwin Fuller

Writer, Nurse Practitioner, Mother, Wife, Actor — Blog Site: The Glass Bell https://rebeccafullerdotblog.wordpress.com/

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